I recently said I wanted to stop talking about myself so much. I said I wanted to take a more objective approach when writing about what I was listening to. But before I do that, here’s a playlist about a boy I really like(d) that hasn’t texted me in 12 days.
Tacocat – “You Never Came Back”
thinks he sees the universe/thinks he’s blessed but it’s a curse/chemistry has changed/wires rearranged/he’s burning/he never came back (to me)
Colleen Green – “You’re So Cool”
thought I saw you on the street/I called your name/I yelled baby/I got caught up too much in fantasy/love is strange/& so am I/but I don’t want no other guy/I can’t believe how cool you are to me/I ain’t got no job to occupy my time/so what else should I do/but think of me & you/all I do/all I do/all I do/all I do/is sit around & think of you/think of you/think of you/all I do/all I do/all I do/is think about you
Wavves feat. Best Coast – “Nodding Off”
don’t call me friend/I’m not your friend/don’t call me nothing at all/I stopped waiting for you call/stupid & annoyed/waiting for your call/god’s been nodding off
Taylor Swift – “Wonderland”
didn’t it all seem new & exciting/I felt your arms twisting around me/I should have slept with one eye open at night
I chose this song for several reasons. Firstly, I was listening to it a lot when I first started speaking to him. Secondly, I put it on the 16-track Taylor Swift only mix I made for him. & thirdly, I think I’m the only person who doesn’t believe that the entirety of 1989 was written about Harry Styles & maybe that is just me protecting my feelings & I know I should not speculate about this relationship but I feel like it lasted maybe 3 days & come on – Harry Styles is not a bad boy. He falls down too much. Plus, like, he’s not that good of an actor. But I do think this song is about him & the reason I like it so much is because I assume most people wouldn’t think such a, what appeared to be, brief relationship would warrant a song of this intensity. But it did because it was her relationship & she said so. I think about that every time I chastise myself for undermining what I’m feeling in regards to this relationship. It felt like the “I’m dizzy all the time” start of the relationship & this feels like the cold dregs at the end. It’s whatever I want it to be.
Charli XCX – “Need Ur Luv”
boy you really messed around/put me six feet underground/always kick me when I’m down/but I’m still driving through your town
This anecdote is both light & heavy – light because I’m going to frame it as comedy but heavy because it actually induced several hours of very dark worry. A few days after he stopped texting me I convinced myself that something had happened to him. He’s either a dick or he’s dead. The only contact information I had was his phone number & his address which feels both clinical & intimate, like his doctor has his phone number & his address but not his Facebook but also when was the last time you gave your address to a potential romantic interest you met on Tinder? He clearly was not responding to texts & I wasn’t going to call him (Posh Spice voice – I’m not that desperate, thank you). So I Googled his address but as I’m writing this now, I’m unsure of what I thought I was going to find that would help me know if he was injured or just playing that bubble game on his phone & ignoring the buzz of my genuine worry.
Sleigh Bells – “Love Sick”
love sucked/love sucked/he gave up up up up
Metric – “Sick Muse”
watch out/cupid stuck me with a sickness/pull your little arrows out & let me live my life
Sleater-Kinney “Start Together”
I don’t know/what you want/but I got/what you/baby don’t you leave me/baby don’t you go/I’ll roll with the punches/roll out the door
Kate Nash – “We Get On”
so I proceeded to get drunk & cry/& lock myself in the toilets for the entire night/Saturday night/I watched channel 5/I particularly liked CSI/I don’t ever dream about you & me/I don’t ever make up stuff about us/that would be classed as insanity
Potentially the most important song on this mix as it deals with the non-relationship relationship & how your emotions will transpire regardless. How you will cry & eat peanut butter from the jar. How your friends will laugh at his moustache. How you’ll be plagued by the potential. & in my case, how I’ll die a little bit every time I message another dunce on Tinder because I’m trying to find a replacement & also hoping if I swipe long enough, I’ll find him again & we can start over. Or I can just deliever my famous one-liner: r u fookin jokin me m8?
Waxahatchee – “La Loose”
& this charming picture of hysteria in love/it could fade or wrinkle up/I don’t hold faith in much/I know that I feel more than you do/I selfishly want you here to stick to
Cher Lloyd – “Sweet Despair”
I don’t really know what’s in the cards of life/all I really know is my tears won’t dry tonight/love was hidden within your smoke/blinding lights & disheartened hope
I did a tarot reading for him a few days before The End & I did it properly. I won’t say that the readings I’ve done in the past weren’t thoughtful & focused but I prepared a sacred space for this prick. & the reading included the Queen of Wands. If I were a tarot card, I would be the Queen of Wands. So of course, I was like holy shit, that card is me! That card represents my presence in his life! We were brought together so I could help him & teach him & guide him! Maybe with my help he won’t be unemployed, unenrolled in school & eating burritos for every meal. Literally every meal. I also chose this song because I was potentially catfished & it fits that theme.
Lily Allen – “Littlest Things”
so come on/tell me/is this the end“
Littlest Things” is one of the saddest songs ever for me. Lily Allen is a softie & I think she gives a lot of herself away before she realizes what she’s doing & then she’s like shit, I’ve done it again. She’s a stud muffin. But I don’t think it should be a feeling of oh shit, I expressed emotions. Oh shit, I tried to get close to you. Oh shit, I liked you & I didn’t pretend otherwise. There’s an open-endedness to this song & I think that’s what makes me the saddest. I deleted his number & all our texts & he’s not on Tinder anymore but I’m still waiting for him to text me back because I feel like he has to. Or even more, waiting for him to show up at my house & say sorry. Also, I got a really cute haircut & I want him to see it, so.
Sleigh Bells – “Run the Heart”
you take a heart/I can take out two/you take a heart/I can take out you
Colleen Green – “Wild One”
I gave my guy all the love I could provide/what more could I have done to keep him by side/he may be insane but I’ve always loved him so/what choice do I have now but to let him go
Waxahatchee – “Breathless”
you always walk so slow/if I was foolish I’d chase a feeling I long let fade/& we could be good for days … you take what you want/you call me back/I’m not trying to be yours/you indulge me/I indulge you/but I’m not trying to have it all
The whole mix was almost just Waxahatchee songs. Too sad to discuss. Please listen to Ivy Tripp if you have any questions.
*please see Can You Handle Enchanted for context