“I used to hate myself but now I think I’m alright
I don’t know quite who I am, oh but man I am trying
I make mistakes until I get it right”
I like to be good at things. No, wait. That’s not quite right. I like to be exceptional at things. Gifted child syndrome, maybe. A product of the participation trophy generation, if you believe baby boomer press. There were a lot of things I was not good at in 2015. Letting go. Following through. Forgiving myself. Forgiving others. Running witchsong. (Just to name a few.) Aly talks often about some of these same themes when she writes her Aries horoscopes. Last February, in the very first horoscope post on the very first day of witchsong, she wrote, “You are holding onto your hurt like you are clutching barbed wire. It stings, and it reminds you, but you can’t go anywhere else.” Then, in April: “There is a difference between a controlled burn and a wildfire, and I want you to think about that this month.” I read these (and the other horoscopes) all year and I cried sometimes with how close to the bone they cut and I dreamt about a world where I’d be able to act on these bits of advice, where I’d be able to let go of the things that are killing me and learn the appeal of a controlled burn.
Well, friends, it is 2016, and like so many other people, I’m trying to change my reality. I’m going to manifest that world and trim away the things that are hurting me, that are holding me back, that are controlling a flame only I deserve power over. Three days ago, I thought witchsong might be one of those things. I remembered Aly’s warning about wildfires, thought about the bridges I’ve burnt in fits of rage or sorrow. I’m sitting. I’m going to put into this project as much as I hope to get out of it, and I’ll reevaluate later, but I’m trying not to be so rash. I’m trying to only walk away from the things that need walking away from. In 2016, I’d like to be better. Today I’m starting with forgiving myself and trying to let go of things, so that maybe tomorrow I can work on being better for witchsong. Today and maybe a few more times this week you’ll see a handful of posts that were meant to go up last month but that I simply didn’t post. Maybe I let another obligation take priority. Maybe I was too sad to get up. Maybe I just forgot. But people spent time on these, and the end result deserved better, and the people themselves deserved better, so. You know. Today I’ll make amends. Tomorrow I’ll try to show up more consistently, more intentionally. I’m trying to be better.