When Your Heart Begins to Break: a playlist for endings

It’s December, and the year is ending, and so are a lot of other things. It’s my last year of high school, and I can’t not be thinking about that all the time. I keep telling my friends we made it through, we really made it, because we’re only a few months away and we’ve been waiting for so long. There’s a time to think about the future and a time to set goals and plan ahead and motivate ourselves for a sparkling new year, but that time is not now.

I can’t not think about how it’s my last year of high school, and I can’t not get sentimental about that fact. I think one of the reasons the world is so irritated by teenage girls is because they forgot, they just forgot what it’s like to feel everything so deeply, to have every high and low stretched to the point of bursting. I am constantly in fear that my heart will break. People don’t like to remember what it was like being a teenager, mostly because it’s embarrassing, we’re all so embarrassing at 16, but also partly because it hurts a little too much to remember who they were when they first felt the cracks form.

I don’t know if I want to forget, because I don’t know if I’ll ever feel full to the point of bursting ever again. Maybe it’s not the best thing to feel that way, but damn it if it’s not satisfying. I sit with my friend in the car and we’re dancing even though she should really be looking at the road and we scream the words together, and I know in that instant that she cares just as much about this moment as I do. Isn’t that just gorgeous? That I can be sure that someone is feeling just exactly the same thing as me? That I can be sure that I’m not the only one who’s terrified her heart will break?

The point is that it’s not over yet, but it’s ending. It was forever and it’ll be gone soon, and these two things exist in conjunction with each other. I wish I knew a way to not ache over this, but there’s no way not to hurt over the end of a forever. All I know right now is that I can sing along to the music that made me and be sure that this feeling passes through all of us, at least until the song ends and our voices start to break.

Playlist

Wake Up – Arcade Fire
If the children don’t grow up
Our bodies get bigger, but our hearts get torn up

Heroes – David Bowie
Though nothing will keep us together,
We could steal time, just for one day,
We could be heroes, forever and ever

XO – Beyonce
Your heart is glowing,
And I’m crashing into you

Don’t Forget Where You Belong – One Direction
If you ever feel alone — don’t,
You were never on your own,
And the proof is in this song

Long Live – Taylor Swift
For a moment, a band of thieves in ripped-up jeans
Got to rule the world

Smile – Mikky Ekko
Got nowhere to turn,
And we’ve got nothing but time
But the future is forever,
The future is forever

The Kids from Yesterday – My Chemical Romance
Here we are and we won’t stop breathing
Tell it out ‘till your heart stops beating

Outro – M83
I’m the king of my own land
Facing tempests of dusts, I’ll fight till the end

 


Asif Becher is a 16 year old recently discovered cat lady who lives in the desert. She is often asked to “chill” about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Taylor Swift, a suggestion she finds absolutely ridiculous. You can find her on Twitter and on tumblr.

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