HAPPY MONTH OF HALLOWEEN. My apologies again for being the worst sky-messenger. The theme of this month is THINGS THAT FRIGHTEN AND/OR HAUNT YOU AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT THEM.
BELIEVE IN THE SKY: OCTOBER 2015
Libra: “Witch”, the bird and the bee. I am nothing like the girl you thought I was without your love.
Happy birthday, Libra. My gift to you is this: You are not created by the gaze of others. You are a prism which reflects and takes in and refracts and shines, but you are not something that only exists in the eyes and minds and hearts of someone else. There is a version of you that exists for everyone that knows you and even more versions for those that don’t, but what never changes is the small round stone of your soul, in the core of you. You know yourself better and truer than anyone can. You are a hall of mirrors endless and dizzying but you alone know which figure is not a reflection, a shade. I think sometimes you put on these other selves because it is easier to be what you are thought to be than to be what you know you are, but you don’t have to. It is a powerful thing, to be able to slip in and out of so many masks, but only if you remember that’s what they are: masks. You, the real you, you are underneath and you shine through everything, for everyone worthy of seeing you.
Scorpio: “There Goes the Fear”, Doves. Think of me when you’re coming down, but don’t look back when leaving town.
You are afraid of yourself. You are afraid of your own fear, the fathomless depth of it. You feel like you shouldn’t be afraid and in this way you become more afraid. Does that make sense? You are so afraid of what it means to be afraid, of what it means to allow fear into yourself, into your life, but when you don’t acknowledge it – when you shut it out, pretend it’s not there – you’re creating a different kind of fear for yourself. You’re creating this nebulous ball of nervous energy, this splinter-sharp idea that you are not allowed to be afraid because you shouldn’t, and it peels layers of you away. When you deny your fear you deny the part of yourself that feels it, that feels a reason for it, and maybe more importantly you deny yourself a way to overcome it. If you keep yourself from looking at it you will never really know the shape of it, and you will never be able to tame it. Fear is not weakness – it is a survival instinct, and you are teeth and claws, and if you let yourself feel it you will learn from it. You will only get sharper.
Sagittarius: “Comeback Kid”, Sleigh Bells. I know it’s hard but you gotta deal with it.
Someone will take care of you. I want you to imagine that I’m tucking you in as I say this, ok? Someone will take care of you. You are self-sufficient and resilient and wildly independent but there is a corner of your heart that is afraid that you are this way because there is no other way for you to be. That you take care of yourself and others not because you want to but because you have to. That you will always be the one in charge, the one to make the decisions, the one to shoulder the burden. This might be true – you might never feel like you want to put it all down and I hope that for you, I do. But what I want you to know, this month and all months, is this: if you do feel that way, if you should feel like you need to be the one that is taken care of for a change, don’t be afraid. It is not weak or small to want help, to need help, to ask for it. You are so beloved, not only because of how much you care, and there are those who would climb mountains and swim rivers and walk through hell for you. You don’t have to carry everything, you don’t have to carry everyone. You never, ever have to go through it alone.
Capricorn: “Dressed in Black”, Sia. Yeah I had locked my heart, I was imprisoned by the dark.
You are afraid of vulnerability when you can’t use it as a weapon. I don’t mean a strategic lowering of defenses, a calculated break in the facade. I mean genuine vulnerability, the kind that is almost embarrassing, almost indecent in how naked it makes you – not physically, but emotionally, spiritually, in front of another. Your walls are your armor, your heart is your keep, and you would rather die than let anyone see you that way. But if you never go out and you never let anyone in you’re in prison, and this month I want you to think about whether or not that is worth it. There is a difference between being careful and being cold and although it may benefit you in most cases to tend toward the latter, there will come a time when you want something different. Don’t be afraid to let someone in, to let yourself out. You’re not given to excess or to visible emotion, and to have them both at once feels overwrought and silly and foolish. To let yourself be vulnerable in that way you have to trust yourself. Trust that you are careful enough that when you have this impulse, this weakening, it’s real, and it means something, and it’s worth it.
Aquarius: “The Thoughts that Give Me the Creeps”, Hellogoodbye. What if your love is not the same as it seems inside my brain?
It’s real, Aquarius. It’s real and it’s happening, all the time, every day. You are real. There are only so many ways to misunderstand the world and I know that fear that you carry with you in the pit of your belly like a coal, that you are wrong, that you have always been and will always be wrong, but listen. The world as it is only ever is through lenses. You are never going to be able to look at something divorced of yourself, of the flesh and bones and the intangible glowing thing that it all filters through to. But this is the beautiful part: you don’t have to. Trust yourself, this month, and trust in the way that things appear to you. Dreams feel real when you’re in them, you know, and if later you look back and you feel differently that’s okay, too. It’s not the same out there as it is in here, but it’s that way for everyone. It’s real. And it’s so, so beautiful.
Pisces: “Tokyo Witch”, Beach House. All I want to believe is that I am better / round and round / All I want you to see is that I am better / round and round
You’re okay. I want to say that first and I want to say it loudest; you’re okay. You are your own worst critic and I know I say that to you a lot but it comes from a deep place inside you, one that I understand, one that I want so desperately to help you carry. What I want you to think about this month is this: Just because you could be better doesn’t mean you aren’t amazing right now. I know that sounds trite but I need you to look past that, to really see the truth of it. There is a future in which Beyoncé is even better at singing than she is right now. Does that mean she is not literally the best singer of our young lives? No! It just means that, like, there’s always another step forward in your journey, but that doesn’t mean you haven’t come a long way already. So this month I want you to focus on that. Not on how much better you can become, but how much better you already are. You and Beyoncé, okay? You and Beyoncé. Believe that you are better, because you are.
Aries: “Haunted”, Beyoncé. What goes up, ghost around. I know if I’m onto you you must be onto me.
Do not confuse this, Aries. I cannot make this more solemn, more weighty. I’m talking more about Beyoncé than I really meant to this month but listen. She is wrong about this. She is allowed to be wrong, because she is Beyoncé, but you cannot afford to be wrong. Do not assume for one single second that because you are haunted by someone that that person is similarly haunted by you. You cannot afford this luxury, this false vengeance, this phantom of hope. You cannot keep chasing these will o’ wisps further out into the fog; you are leaving pieces of yourself along the way. Fire goes out if you spread it too thin and you are worth more than that. Stop chasing what you think someone else feels because you feel it. Save your time and your energy, save even your ghosts for what deserves them.
Taurus: “Haunted”, the Limousines. You’re welcome in my home but it’s haunted.
It is easy to imagine that you are ruined in some way, that there is a bloodstain on your soul that will never come out. The past trails you like smoke, tethered around your wrist, wisping along behind you. You are not haunted, though, as much as you feel it, as much as you fear it. Just because you are carrying something doesn’t mean you can’t put it down. It doesn’t mean that it’s a part of you that defines you. You are the sum of many things and some of them, yes, are terrible but so many more of them are not, and in the end it is the good in you that is weighed before it all. You are not your damaged parts, you are not the hurt you have done or the hurt you have suffered. You carry these things, you cradle them in your bones and your blood but they are not ghosts and neither are you one. If you feel haunted it’s because there’s something you don’t want to be carrying anymore. Think, this month, about what those things are, how to tell which to put down and which you want to live with. Don’t let it follow you around.
Gemini: “Haunted”, Mr Little Jeans. Don’t worry I’ll keep pretending I will.
You didn’t even flinch and my heart was breaking still. It is a frightening and sobering thing to confront the ghost of love. Ghost means dead, ghost means gone and yet ghost means present, visible, cold. Ghost means haunting. To acknowledge that love can end, that it can be real and true and good and still end, is one of the scariest and most difficult things you can do but it will heal you, in time. I promise you this. Do not do yourself the disservice, the cruelty, of pretending that you don’t care, that it doesn’t matter, that it didn’t matter. Don’t smile until you’re ready; don’t be afraid to hurt and keep hurting. Acknowledge that it was real; give it the substance and flesh that you know it deserves and then let it walk away from you.
Cancer: “I Was A Fool”, Tegan and Sara. I was a fool, I was a fool for love.
Love makes all of us reckless and wild and sometimes too eager, and you are motivated by love more than most. You are more susceptible to its traps, its dangers, its dark and searching corners. Or – at least – that is your fear. To love so deeply that it hurts you, to love such that it is your downfall. Sometimes this is the case – sometimes the wrong person gets your love, gets a part of you. But sometimes it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. There’s only so much you can tell yourself that love will hurt you before it does. Things go bad on their own often enough that you are doing yourself no favors by assuming they will, by digging that grave all by yourself. I’m not saying you need to dive headlong into everything, casting your suspicions to the breeze, but what I am saying is this: it doesn’t make you foolish to love and be wrong about it. It doesn’t make you anything but human.
Leo: “Haunted Love”, Cheerleader. What it is I’m chasing I really couldn’t say.
A predator is not uncertain of its prey. This is what I want you to remember, this month. A lion does not pause during the chase to wonder whether this is the correct antelope to be chasing. There is only the hunt and the victory. Think about that, this month. There is a reason that you’ve chosen the goals you’ve chosen, even if it’s lost to you now. Try and remember what you started chasing, and why, and then let it go and revel in the soft quick thud of your feet on the ground. You only have to fix your eyes up ahead to remember your objective, out there in the distance. You want to second-guess it because you fear failure; it is easier to doubt the entire chase than it is to run and leap and miss, to go hungry. But you will never, ever catch anything if you don’t try for it in the first place, and that’s what this month is for. Don’t second-guess yourself, don’t pretend you don’t know what it is you want. Remember what you’re chasing; don’t be afraid to try and catch it.
Virgo: “The Haunted Man”, Bat for Lashes. Yes your ghosts have got me too, but it’s me and you, I can’t run.
This month I want you to think about when it is worth it to stand by someone, to fight beside them, to stay with them. I want you to think about what the difference is between helping someone to carry a weight and letting it crush you. You don’t help anyone by hurting yourself, even though your instinct is always toward sacrifice. I want you to try and find the good in self-preservation this month, in keeping yourself safe and whole and healthy. It is so hard to prioritize yourself, especially when those you love need you, and I don’t want you to abandon them. I want you to make sure that you find balance. There is a give and take in every relationship, and both of those things can be present in different ways at different times, but it can’t just be you giving and giving and suffering and whittling yourself down to nothing. Think about when to run, and why, and trust yourself when you decide.