Nick Jonas Made A Surprisingly Good Album That Is Also Lowkey About What A Terrible Boyfriend He Would Be But That’s Okay Because I Never Have To Date Him: A Track-By-Track Commentary on “Nick Jonas”

Chains
I heard this on the radio and I was like, THIS IS A JAM WHO IS THIS and then the radio man told me it was Nick Jonas and, well, here we are, friends. U GOT ME IN CHAAAAIIIINNNS U GOT ME IN CHAIIIINNSSS FOR UR LOOOOVE – me @ this song. Nick Jonas performed this at the iHeartRadio Awards while wearing literal chains; his backup dancers were in SEXY JAIL outfits; everything about this is just, like, really beautiful and I’m just glad I’m alive, you know? TRYING 2 BREAK THE CHAINS BUT THE CHAINS ONLY BREAK MEEEE I shriek along with Nick Jonas while driving in my car which I own because I am an adult in the year two thousand and fifteen. What a world.

Jealous
I mean I could go on about how this song is hashtag problematic and weird and upsets me, because like, oh my god Nick Jonas don’t blame your girlfriend for other peoples’ actions toward her, you’re not being cute, but mostly I would just like to say that I think also this song just, like, sucks. Seriously ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my gooooooooooooooooooodddddddddd i haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttte this soooooooooooooooooooooooooooong. Sorry I just needed to get that off my chest. (There’s a remix of this song with Tinashe on it, tho, and there’s a bit where she says “Nick J…. TinaSHE….” so I’d recommend it just on the strength of that, and also because it changes one lyric to be “everybody wants your sex,” which is hilarious and weird.)

Teacher
If Nick Jonas doesn’t ever perform this with a cadre of backup dancers dressed as cartoonish sexy teachers I will be both relieved and disappointed. Anyway the best part of this song is the fact that the prechorus is just OH MY OH MY OH MY OH MY GODDDDD OH MY OH MY OH MY OH MY GODDDD, which I identify with because it is also how I express attraction. Lotsa nice falsetto from our boy Nick, and also lovely use of the word “mama” and also “ya body, gurl” and also an attempted sultry spoken bit. Luv it. Timberlake the hell outta me.

Warning
The lyrics of this song (I’m running for the fences on my own / and I can see the warning /…/ I’m breaking the warning down) can only lead me to conclude that it’s about Nick Jonas frantically and emotionally trying to climb an electric fence. This is my favorite song about Nick Jonas trying to climb an electric fence. I am glad he survived but I would not like, endorse that as a way to deal with stress.

Wilderness
Oh my GOD i am OBSESSED with this song, partly because it’s a goddamn bop, and partly because it’s about how fucking Nick Jonas in the woods is similar to childbirth. “Naked as the day we were born” is kind of weird imagery to use when you’re talking about sex, but I think it works here because this song is about REBIRTH and REDISCOVERING THAT WHICH IS ESSENTIALLY HUMAN WITHIN YOUR SOUL, which you do apparently by going sex camping with your on again/off again flame Nick Jonas. This is, despite the lyric “before the fire / we discovered desire” surprisingly and disappointingly, not going to be used as the credits song for a remake of the seminal classic “Quest for Fire,” which is a great film about cro-magnons learning how to love.

Numb ft. Angel Haze
K first of all, ANGEL HAZE IS ON THIS ALBUM, OMG I KNOW, Y’ALL. Second of all this is a really incredible song with an incredible beat that walks the line between jammin out and melancholy really well. The way the word numb vibrates above the chorus, that bit in Angel Haze’s verse when Nick Jonas contributes just a few sung words–everything about how this is constructed is so GOOD.

Take Over
This song makes me lowkey uncomfortable because I’m not really in a place where I want to listen to Nick Jonas say the word “naughty” or “dirty,” no matter how many biceps he grows. Anyway whatever, this is not not a song about how Nick Jonas wants you to sext him, which is appropriate because current-day Nick Jonas looks like a catfishing Tinder profile. My own aversions aside this is a good song I guess and, like, you can’t say it’s not on-brand.

Push
One of the important and inevitable obligatory slow #feelings songs, Push is a high-pitched dirge about how Nick Jonas wants you to murder him. Also in my fave bit he implies that he is some kind of tragic fallen bloody angel and you should cut his wings off because of romance, which is very 2006 of him but whatever. (Omg side note did any of y’all read that manga Courtney Love co-wrote like seven years ago? Do you guys think Nick Jonas wrote this song about Courtney Love’s manga about a fallen angel who becomes a pop star and also is Courtney Love but with blood-red wings and also there is some kind of interdimensional goth angel war going on yes/no)

I Want You
Yeah ok I hate this song a LOT, this song is incredibly creepy, this song is literally about a dude threatening to break into his ex’s apartment because she broke up with him and he won’t let go. This song is from the perspective of the guy you’re scared to leave, and it’s fucked up. Zero stars, would NOT recommend, yikes???!!!!!!!!!

Avalanche ft. Demi Lovato
If i hadn’t been way too self-consciously cool as a Teen I would probably have a lot of feelings about this duet ballad with Demi. (Important confessional note: I did at one point in high school watch an illegal stream of Disney’s Camp Rock and then never mention it to anyone.) I am a fan of emotional songs that are metaphors about large natural disasters, though, so I’m like, not not into it. Probably would watch a performance of them singing this together and have a few feelings about like, time and growing up and like, life and stuff.

Nothing Would Be Better
This song is kind of generic-sounding sad slow thing about like, love iz pain 🙁 but it’s lyrically nice enough (complex-ish, even) that I bet if I had a specific personal feeling to pin it on I’d listen to it like a hundred times.

Elisabeth

About Elisabeth

Elisabeth Sanders is from California and owns four different pairs of gold shoes.

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