Today is Kristen Stewart’s 25th birthday, and all day I will be thinking about one thing: how much I wanna slow dance with her while listening to the new Carly Rae Jepsen single, “All That.”
I hate slow jams. This song is a slow jam. I love it. I don’t know if it’s the intense glitter inherent in Carjeps’s voice, or the fact that from the first line I also can imagine every word in Kristen Stewart’s voice, a laconic murmur of I wanna play this for you all the time somewhere behind that salacious drum machine beat. “All That” may have the shimmering outer surface of an 80’s crooner B-side, but underneath all the showy synth is the quietest, gentlest promise, the kind of proclamation of devotion that comes from someone who wants to give you everything without showing all their cards. It asks without begging, it needs without desperation. Carly Rae Jepsen gets billed as a musician for teenagers but you can always rely on me to help you do what you want to do is a grown-up lyric, courageous and selfless, the kind of thing you’d hear from someone newly 25 who Jodie Foster once described as “fearless.” This song stands up straight and strong and delicate and rocks you gently back and forth across the kitchen floor in the middle of the night, as Kstew will surely do with me someday. Just let me in your arms, Kristen, just let me in your arms.
I’ll be your lighthouse when you’re lost at sea means I am thinking of Kstew on a sailboat, squinting into the sun as the brisk wind pushes her bangs back from her furrowed, freckled brow. I’ll keep my light on, baby, you can always come to me means I am thinking of Kstew turning on the porch light at two in the morning, holding open the screen door with one arm while the other gathers me up against the rumpled fabric of her white t-shirt, as she whispers to me that she’ll put on a pot of coffee so we can talk about it. When you need me I will never let you come apart, like, oh my god! And I’m not saying the chorus of this song is just a chilled-out mirror of Louis Tomlinson saying “I love you if you love me, yes,” but we all know Kristen Stewart is the chilled-out mirror of Louis Tomlinson, and there’s nothing more self-assuredly vulnerable and honest than asking for validation in the same breath that you give it to someone else.
This song is a dream, and the only thing dreamier is the idea that maybe someday I can listen to it wrapped in the tender embrace of my immortal cowboy girlfriend. Happy 25th, Kstew. I think I speak for all of witchsong when I say show me if you want me if I’m all that, and I will be that, I will be your friend.